I’ve written a couple of blogs in the past, but none felt quite as meaningful and simultaneously terrifying at the same time. Talking about miscarriage is never easy. Opening up and sharing your pain is scary. But this is national Miscarriage and Infant Loss month, and I felt the push to talk about it. I wrote a Facebook post on my business page a few months ago talking about my loss and the response was overwhelming. People who have had miscarriages have a bond. Each mother handles and heals from their miscarriage differently. But the gut-wrenching loss and sadness we share is the same. I’ve found it’s easier to talk about my loss with moms who unfortunately shared the same experience.
So, instead of re-writing and describing what happened to me, I decided to copy my journal entry from the day following my second miscarriage. I think it’s important to show the true emotion of miscarriage to help other moms feel less alone. If it’s not obvious from my other blogs; I’m a Christian, specifically a Catholic and you’ll see that I relied heavily on my faith throughout my experience. So, without further ado, here is the actual journal entry from one of the hardest and most painful days in my life….
2-20-2021
I picked up this journal to write multiple times but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Too afraid I’d start to cry or maybe write something I’d regret… I don’t know. I miscarried my second baby two days ago. If going through that once wasn’t enough, I’ve now been plunged back into the depths of despair, and I can’t help but ask why. I know I’m not owed an answer from God. I understand we live in a fallen world, and we are owed nothing. This world offers, death, despair, hostility, anger, strife, depression. “But take heart, I have overcome the world.”, says Jesus. But I find myself asking, “What does that mean for a mother who is still cramping and bleeding from the loss of her baby?” In my selfishness I wanted that statement to mean that Jesus would miraculously stop my bleeding, stop my baby from being violently removed from my body through miscarriage. But, alas, he did not. I’m not mad at God. I think maybe a small part of me wanted to be mad at him. After all, I did nothing to deserve this happening once, let alone TWICE. Yet, after both miscarriages I felt an overwhelming sense to get on my knees and worship Him. Why?! Why?! Why?! that sounds crazy. Maybe the answer lies in Jesus’ statement, “Take heart, for I have overcome the world.” When Jesus died on that cross for me, he did overcome death, which is the greatest victory of all time. This means, even though my baby’s heart stopped beating two days ago, that little soul’s death is not permanent. I know my baby went to Heaven to be with his or her creator.
The night I was miscarrying my cramps were so painful, and I knew with each cramp my uterus was contracting and my baby would not be able to survive it. I laid in bed wracked with a pain no mother should feel. Helpless to help my baby. Alone, ashamed, horrified. All of these emotions slammed into me. At one point I felt my heart cry out, “help me, someone help me, I feel so alone.” In that moment I felt Mary at my side. I can’t describe exactly what she looked like because there was a lot of light behind her which blurred her image. But somehow, I knew it was her. I looked over towards the light and said again, “please help me.” Both of her arms reached towards me, and I felt her say to my heart, “I will hold your baby for you.” At that moment I knew it was over. The miracle that I wanted to come, a miracle to stop the miscarriage was not coming. I truly believe that at that moment my baby’s heart stopped beating, and I was never going to hold him or her on this side of Heaven. But, Mary, our Mother was. Mary, who watched her own son brutally murdered for me, came and comforted me as I lost my own child. Who better to come and comfort a mother than one who truly understands the loss of a child?
Maybe I’m crazy, maybe that was just a defense mechanism in my brain trying to comfort me and protect me from a trauma, but I don’t think so. The glow around Mary, the way her arms reached out when she said, “I will hold your baby for you.” It didn’t feel like a dream. It felt like a rescue. Mary came to escort my baby to Heaven. She can do this because her son has overcome the world. I’m still devastated, I still cry a lot, I still feel like a piece was taken from my heart and it will never return. These are all real feelings, and they hurt. But God allowed me the grace of Mary coming to me for comfort and I do find an overwhelming peace in that.
I pray that Mike and I will have another baby, that Hunter and Miles will have another sibling. But, if that’s not God’s plan, I know I will survive this… because of Jesus, because he has overcome the world.
There’s so much more I could say (and I like to talk so it wouldn’t be hard). I could talk about my daughter who we were fortunate enough to have after the losses. But for today I’m going to end there. This blog is about those 2 beautiful babies that we lost. I never met either of them, but boy did they teach me valuable, life altering life lessons. Their lives meant something, and they had a purpose. I love and miss you both.
xoxo- Sarah
the Way, the Truth, the Wife 